Smoky Grey

I have other obligations to see to, but this entry insists that I get down to it before I attend to other more pressing matters.

Things were relatively simple in the old days. We only had a problem of quantity - namely, the amount of information that we get. Now? It's not so much on the amount - unless some narrow-minded imbeciles decide that excessive-but-badly-misplaced censoring, restricted-and/or-fabricated-journalism *cough*mainstreammedia*cough*, and highly offensive blogs are the keys to successful rule and maintaining influence - but it's the quality that we should worry about.

Academically speaking, there're textbooks and journals and other literature. Some people frown upon simple search engines or online encyclopedia e.g. Wikipedia, eMedicine, and even Google (not Google Scholar, mind you). And that's just the serious issues.

Of course there are the unnecessary piece of information that we possibly could do without. The problem is to some, these information are their bread and butter, their daily requirement.

Now's not a problem of lack of information. Rather, it's the over-abundant and ambiguous information. If people in the past used to have to travel far and wide to seek for a teacher, now we're stuck having to confirm every bits and pieces of whatever data we have managed to procure so far before we can say anything.

One good thing about the Net is that everyone can contribute. The downside? Everyone can contribute whatever rubbish they have to say, if they feel like it.

And don't even get me started with the newspapers. I'm starting to think that the only worthwhile page in the paper would be the comics section.

I once advised a patient not to read the newspapers. Reason? She was hypertensive and I said (joked?) that reading tragic and gruesome news wouldn't exactly be safe for the heart. But yeah, we must know about other occurrences elsewhere - if only to realise that the world today is not as safe as we'd like to think.

Anyhow, the idea is this - the world, through my eyes, has never been more grey. I can't see the demarcation, and I only find out that I've transgressed the limits that the general public had dictated only after the act.

To some, reasons sound like excuses. Humility like stupidity, and over-confidence as an over-inflated ego.

We believe what we want to believe, most of the time. Blinded by prejudice won't really help improve things.

I want to believe that there is light at the end of this long, shadowy tunnel...but my torchlight's running out of battery and my limbs out of energy. The mind has started to take over, materialising evil trolls that appear to multiply in number.

I do wish I have a bazooka to shoot down all the stigma though. Only, I might end up blowing other things as well - like the foundation of the tunnel, which in the end would only bury me in too deep...

...where there will be no air, no light.

...No salvation.


Current Music: Show Me What I'm Looking for - Carolina Liars

Painfully Honest

So tired. Is this what 'burnout' feels like?

Things could be worse, though. I see the present as an exercise, a preparation for a potentially worse(?) future.

I asked myself a question once. A question that stemmed out of all the frustration that had been caged in me, the million dollar (possibly more) question that I fearfully realised that I had no answer to.

"Are you really happy?"

I stunned myself silence for several minutes, and then I was almost aware of the gush of blood that rushed through my cerebral circulation in an attempt for an honest response. Palpitations shook my heart against the ribs, and it felt as if I was given into tremors. The only sound I heard then was the sound of the fan above me, all noise but not as much efficient as I would like it to be.

Truth is unbearably bitter.

Then it dawned on me, as slowly as the rising sun but by no means as magnificent or illuminating: "Either way, you won't be happy. There'll always be something."

But Reason - wherever it exists within my person - was in time to reach out to me with a retort: "You're happiest as you are right now. Maybe not in the way it is normally believed what 'happiness' represents to the general population, but there is certainly no reason to believe that He has forsaken you."

Because some bits of my past are a testament to that - that God Works in miraculous ways; ways that one could never have imagined.

Perhaps happiness is when one doesn't compromise temporary joys to those that really, really matter. Saying things like "in the end, it doesn't really matter" really strains one own person in many different ways.

One thing is for sure: Resentment is like a cancer. It eats you up and leaves you worse for wear.

Current Music: Misery - Maroon Five

Intermission #12

This is getting way out of hand. I left for just over two weeks, only to come back and discover that they have taken over my domain!?

It would explain the allergic reaction.

This is unacceptable.

This means war, and I'm taking no prisoners.

...Why, oh WHY is our room suddenly being _dangerously_ infested with ants!?


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Now playing: OneRepublic - Made For You
via FoxyTunes

P/s: Apparently ants are not so choosy nowadays, are they? That was my dinner that they conquered! *headdesk*