I Want to Believe

1. ...but there is an omnipresent black hole that sucks the living daylight from every sliver of light that flickers.

But the need to believe - this trust in God - wants to fight back. And so it struggles on, with whatever ounce of energy it has.

And, as always, my Ego self that is perpetually in the middle of a tug of war between the Superego and Id, will always swing to one side and then to the other. I'm getting dizzy from all the motion, sick of all the drama, and growing numb from all the uncertainty.

It's always the same darn thing over and over again, and really, when will this cycle end!? Haven't I learnt anything!?

2. ...It's pretty obvious that I'm trying to get in the mood for Psychiatry, is it not? Perhaps it's a means to drown the unpleasantness that I had to suffer through back then.

3. Bought a book that I've been searching for since roughly a week ago. The Sherlockian by Graham Moore. At this point in time I know I shouldn't be investing in more fictions, of all things, but lately it's getting hard to find joy in things that I used to have so much passion for. And so when the need to indulge comes, especially when it comes to those that rank high in my list of addictions, then there is simply no compromise.

Kind of like coffee too, come to think of it. There's the phase of need, then when it's not fulfilled the withdrawal symptoms come, and later on you'll find yourself drinking coffee just to maintain your physiological level at a basic functioning state. Otherwise the neurons get cranky, firing up in the areas that you least need activity in.

4. “The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live” ~ Joan Borysenko

...Lately I keep on getting killer questions, even _after_ the exams. Oh heck.

5. I was asked what my new year resolution would be. Then it struck me - with great horror! - how out of touch with time I've been lately, and that things are really coming at full speed, regardless whether I'm ready to play catch with it or am even prepared for a defense.
"What will be your 2011 resolution?"
'OMG it's really going to be next year soon! OMG!' "...to get skin hypertrophy." 'And it's not in the cancerous version, dear God...please, not that.'
"What?"
"...meaning to grow a thicker skin."

...Yeah. Maybe this numbness is a way of getting there. Perhaps it's not too impossible after all?

6. Why this? Because I can, and I need to lay off this blog for a bit. All the extra-lengthy posts gobbles up too much of my time, and it's probably easier opting for summaries and graphic representations instead.
Take note: Probably.
...Oh God.

Current Music: Fireworks - Katy Perry

Zetsubou-shita!

Keyword of the day: Despair.

And no, I don't think it's delusional for me to think so. In fact, to be able to still engage myself in decent conversations in addition to the fact that Prof Sani (who joined Prof. A to take my short case this morning) remarked that my smiling meant that I did well in my long case, which is false, by the way, would mean that I might be having some mood incongruity. But today itself I had more than enough of thought blocks and depressive mood and...I'm starting to think that taking a neutral stand by responding "Whatever" is possibly the best one, given my current condition.

Am I even making sense here? Argh.

As a side note, I'm sort of looking forward to Psychiatric posting - to be there as a student, of course, not a patient! And when I say "looking forward" to it, I am _not_ talking about the clinical aspect.

Current Music: One in A Million - Bosson

About Time

We interrupt your usual program to broadcast this obligatory pre-exam panic-infused entry by one final year medical student who really should've got the hang of exams by now but no...things are rarely that simple for her.

Confound it.

It's amazing how the more pressed for time you are, the more unexpected things happen to take exactly that away, and replaces in its void a mix of dread, regret, fear and frustration. At more things than one, which really doesn't really help at all when all I need is some decent perspective, and some serenity.

It's also amazing how everything that one has read before can be easily swept away when one is overwhelmed by...well, anything, I suppose. I can't speak for everyone. Besides, my brain isn't what it used to be. Is this the effect of aging!? Or could it be depression, anxiety, attention deficit disorder or just plain bad memory? Or is my heart already too corrupt that it has lost its ability to absorb knowledge?

Revision weeks, how I miss thee.

...Right. Carry on with your business, people.


Current Music: Coming to Terms - Carolina Liar