Lost Souls

Psychiatry posting, if anything, makes me more introspective of myself and the world as a whole, which subsequently leaves me in somewhat greater despair.

How cruel the world can be to the unsuspecting, to the naive. To the weak, a line of never-ending and brutal conundrum fired. And so we realise the fragility of sanity, the value of that which calls us human.

Where is the meaning? I know how people take my maxim of "searching for the meaning of life" or for the "truth" as a joke but...well, let's just say that life is, essentially, a search and eventually a discovery of our own selves, and of Him.

I want to be stronger than this. Because the world doesn't become nicer just because you tell her to.

Oftentimes I reflect back what I'd like to achieve, what I'd like to say I've picked up over the years, what I can proudly say I have survived. And yet temptations lead me, blindfolded in ignorance, far and away. But the call of "greater purpose" occasionally calls, beckoning me back...

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

~ Emily Dickinson

Current Music: Forget You – Glee Cast Cover

Ideation

"It's an uncharted territory," she whispered.

The remark took me by surprise. We have been shrouded in silence since we came here, and I was truthfully relieved that she just opened a topic. The quietness was starting to bore and bug me. Keen to figure out her thread of thoughts this time, I probed on. "What is?"

She shot me an exasperated look. Her hand hovered just next to her head, finally tapping her temple with a finger.

As usual, I was eager to argue. "Well, not exactly. Anatomically speaking, that is. There're enough things in the brain that neither you nor I can possibly cover everything before the Final Pro."

She sighed heavily. Maybe I've struck the wrong note this time. Or maybe my statement hit a little too close to home.

"The brain is merely the hard-drive, the external machinery. No, I'm referring to the thinking process, the operating system," she said, her tone strained.

Of course you are, I felt like retorting bitterly. It was her fault for being so vague in the first place.

"Just like dreams, yes? In a way, it's a relief." She paused as she rearranged her words in the recesses of her own mind. "It's like the brain is telling you that it's still working even though your body starts to demand its time-out once your bedtime arrives."

"Err, yes." Truthfully I wanted to tell her that I rarely remember my dreams at all, so it didn't make much of a difference to me. I probably don't dream at all, so--

"I suppose once we cease to dream, we cease to live as well."

She did it again. With that simple aphorism she almost made me feel like sinking into the ground. Was she accusing me of being lifeless? Like a zombie, maybe!?

Even if she did notice my cringing at my internal monologue, she had nothing to say about it. Good for you! Go on, think some more while I try get rid of this growing uneasiness so that I'll be just in time to resume our little chit-chat.

She broke the silence with a grunt. "Just because you can't remember your dreams, it doesn't mean that you don't dream at all."

Did she just read my mind? Did I just experience the phenomenon of 'thought broadcast' that we learnt in Psychiatry?

Maybe it was time for me to say something - before she gives a reply without my actually saying it and then totally freaking me out. "...Usually my brain is too tired for little details like dreams. It's already cluttered as it is. Besides, I wouldn't want to remember any nightmares. It might turn me into a paranoid person."

"Right."

Wait, why aren't you contradicting me? Are you even listening to what I was saying, or are you still deep in your thoughts that I'm now reduced to an insignificant bystander? Will this short story continue with only my monologues, my complaints about the intricacies of the human mind and human interaction while you sit there and become washed away by your own brainwaves?

"Maybe they're not significant enough for you to remember afterward."

What on earth are you saying now, woman? Did I miss anything you said while I was busy thinking to myself? Make yourself clear, or I'm seriously going to ignore you for the rest of this scene! Still unable to grasp her logic, I could only response in the most intelligent manner possible at the time, "Huh?"

"Something is stopping you. I don't know what it is, though." She looked at me for a moment, taking in my confusion. For a moment there I felt that I was being analysed.

I swear, she must be enjoying this, to see me squirm helplessly while she talked about things that I'd rather not think about too much. Some things are just beyond us! Speaking of which, are we still on the subject of dreams that we experience in sleep, or has she progressed to the dreams one has for one's future?

I seriously couldn't tell where she was going. What have I done to deserve this situation?

"So...?" I prompted carefully. I wondered if her analysis on me came up with anything, and if she would mind sharing. More properly this time. It was only fair!

"Well," she shrugged and stood up from the bench. She turned her head sideways to glance at me, "you mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." With that, she beamed mischievously and skipped off, leaving me staring at her disappearing form.

I hate it whenever she does that. It was bad enough that her ramblings were difficult to follow, now she has even abandoned me in the flesh!

And, seriously - did she just take a line straight out of the movie Inception? So much for originality.

---

Work of fiction (c) ad. Lucidus, 2011.

Current Music: Shining Star (TV Ver.) - 9nine 

P/s: "In this game, you always have to have hope. You always have to dream" ~ Robert Low

I'd like to think that this post has something to do with a seminar I have to present later, Sleep and Sleep Disorders.

...Alternatively, maybe it sprung from my alternating unexplained hypersomnia and untimely insomnia.

Epiphany

1. Suddenly everything makes sense. I can't exactly explain how, but it does. Every aspect of the issue is explained.
But there is a catch. This is one situation where knowing the problem and identifying the major defect doesn't make the solution any easier.
...I can try one way, but to say if it will work the way I'd like it to...it's difficult to even hazard a guess. Especially when it's beyond my control - like most of the things in the world anyway.

2. Psychiatry posting continues to both intrigue and scare me, and it has only been three days!

3. Psychiatry just gives me a whole new way of interpreting the old maxim of "mind over matter", and not necessary in a positive light.

4. Some things just don't work. Or maybe it's just me, or maybe...there's no way of circumventing it.

5. And so the Internet connection continues to be so pathetic. Seeing it as a sign from God that I need to cut down on my Internet visits - would it be an ego defense mechanism of rationalisation at work, or would it be a delusion of reference?

Current Music: Show Me What I'm Looking for - Carolina Liar