Intermission #31

I tried, I really did.

Perhaps optimism is way beyond me. It's easier to ignore than to deny.

To climb is far more difficult than traveling in a flat, straight line. To descend, on the other hand...promises more misery, and a worse view of things to come.

I'm too young to feel this bad...but already old enough to know that idealism kills.

As mentioned before - there are no more tears. Numbness is starting to set in...and the only solution I can see is with Him.

Current Music: Awaken - Maher Zain

True(?) Colours

I seriously don't know how people perceive me anymore.

Of late, practically everyday at least one person would comment on how I look 'depressed' or 'stressed out', to which - most of the time - I would reply with a typical answer of "I'm okay" when I'm actually bothered, or a simple nod which would mean "Dang, not this again, but whatever". People were saying how I used to be all smiles and all cheerful at the beginning...now they're busy asking if I'm okay. Usually it's the same people, to boot - although it rather makes sense.

Not to say that I'm angry at their display of concern - far from it! - but it just feels like people see me as weak.

At one point I confessed to a colleague that the usual smiling me is kind of not the true me, so he kind of dropped the issue - and I'm thankful.

My opinion? It's not only work per se that's giving me the headache. But that's not exactly a wise thing to say especially in front of a certain someone, is it?

Either way, I end up getting hurt. I always do, even when other people celebrate it as if it's the best thing since buttered toast.

Anyway. I'm praying for another uneventful oncall night...

Current Music: More (Remix) - Usher

Intermission #30

...If there is one thing that I absolutely cannot stand, it is people being uncivilised.

Since when is it cool to hit on random people? Especially when an example of said random person happens to be one stressed out, recently started houseman who was stuck doing discharge summaries as if she's actually a clerk and relatives nagging on when the deuce can their son/brother/etc get out of the ward?

It impedes on my professional front, which means that there is a real danger of my spite making itself known to the whole wide world.

So maybe I'm actually pissed off at something else or maybe even with myself, but whatever, and I'm starting to lose it, bit by bit.

Makes one wonder how long it'll take before I actually snap, yes?


...So maybe I'm actually pissed off because it's not the person I'd like to who's actually doing the wooing. Damn it, self, what the deuce is wrong with you!?

...Pardon the colourful language. It's the stress talking, I assure you.