Intermission #17

"If you think things can't get any worse, you have no imagination" ~ Sean Keogh

Let's get this straight.

I've seen both ends of the spectrum - patients with major depressive disorder and those with bipolar disorder. And when they're unstable, the first group managed to, somehow, made me feel depressed secondary to their depression while the second group made me feel irritated with their irritability and/or grandiosity.

Let's not even go into how I feel about schizophrenic patients. Do I still feel paranoid about being in the vicinity? Not so.

...I'm pretty sure I'm not judging them, because everyone hates to be judged - but people do it all the same.

What I mean to say is this: I don't want to end up like any of those cases...but the future is hard to tell when even the present is murky.

What does one do, when one is too tired to dream, too tired to hope, too weakened to fight back?

Current Music: Raise Your Glass - Pink

P/s: Accidentally turned out sounding more pessimistic than intended. Whoops?
...Old habits die hard. Dear God.

Demarcation

To me, any revelation is always greeted by at least three different sentiments: some joy, some indifference, and mostly fear. Because knowledge is power, and sometimes power can be abused, other times to be feared.

I've figured out at least some part of the answer to my "meaning of life". Hold your horses before you yell out "God and religion, obviously! Wake up, woman!" to me, because I assure you, while you are not wrong (very not wrong, in fact!), I must remind you that I have an inherent ability to complicate things beyond your imagination.

And allow me to present to you my findings, as I see fit:

Blurry is the line

as I see those things

as I think of others

The world you see

A splash of colours, celebrating life

And yet to me

I see a range of gray

More dark than white

With occasional blind spots

They say "Never lose hope"

But I miff, bittered

By the past, by these wounds

Another say, "No expectations,

no disappointment"

Here I tremor,

Not in seeing the error

Of my ways or thinking,

But in anger.

"What, pray tell!"

I yearn to counter

"Tell me how the two differ?

You put your thinking in the future,

I put anticipication in mine"

And so they, enraged, rebuke,

"Nay, you put pessimism!"

"Again, my good people,

where do they differ?

where do you draw the line?

"To anticipate what could go wrong,

surely you need some dark clouds.

Yet you accuse me of pessimism,

loathing it as if it were poison.

And I, if I could,

would say that your optimism,

is just your delusions, your blindness

blanking out those you wish not to see,

your denial."

But no, I have not the will

And so I smile weakly,

praying that the weakness is not my will,

"Here, alas, we part ways,

we agree to disagree.

For our past differ so greatly,

we may never see eye to eye,

but I implore you, as I pray I shan't,

to never lose Respect."

----
(c) ad. Lucidus, 2011

Current Music: Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

Intermission #16

1. "The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain" ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Thanks to the rainy season, it feels like the it has been ages since I last looked up to sky, blinking to filter out the occasionally blinding sun rays. Somatic hallucinations aside, my lungs feel as if they are lined by ice; each breath I take pricks me in the chest, while my headaches are of different nature altogether - in all honestly, more bearable than the ones I usually get following photophobia or extreme heat.

Perhaps everyone is familiar with this quote by Dolly Parton: "if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain". On the other hand, I implore you to reconsider - the rain inevitable leaves behind puddles of water (and mud?) that you can't avoid, eventually soaking your shoes and freezing your bones, leaving your entire body shivering and your teeth clattering like there's no tomorrow. Is it worth putting up with all that just for a sight of a transcient rainbow, which is still out of your reach anyway?

...And here I congratulate myself on screwing a positive quote just to suit my pessimistic outlook in life. Pfft.

2. Can't wait to go home and meet my car, which is already back home! God, I miss him so. It has been close to three months! And I'm so sick of this dependence on other people. I need to steer my own car fate with my own hands!

3. Oh dear God, it's already February. Why so soon!?

4. Some things can wait. Others won't and will just leave you stranded behind, in regret and in stupor.

Current Music: King of Anything - Sara Bareilles