In Which There are Too Many Maybe's

1. I haven't been well lately.

It has been one week of strenuous coughing & feverish episodes, I'm suspecting that I might be having pertussis. Last night I probably spent close to three hours coughing - dry, irritating cough - that I lost sleep. Today I was more on autopilot mode, and yet still managed to do my morning rounds. Luckily my MO was nice that she said she'd just read my notes rather than let me do the talking…

Still unwilling to take any cough syrup. Never been a fan of them since the start, to be honest. Already on the antibiotic azithromycin, only because the pharmacy is out of Augmentin and one MO said the bugs in my current paeds ward can only be killed by either Augmentin or azithromycin…

Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's all the germs that the patients brought with them to the ward. Or maybe it's something more…

2. I'm probably destined to be an outsider.

Maybe I'm not a good friend after all. I can't seem to make the sacrifices to actually hang out with them, mainly because of my busy schedule and hectic life and, most of all, the distance.

Maybe my introspectiveness and weak stamina should be blamed as well. Or maybe I'm just not caring or selfless enough…

3. It's tiring for me to follow others' paces all the time. But it's even more hurtful when my timing is off and I get a forced response.

Sometimes I think it's just not fair.

4. I miss having people to chat with.

So yeah, I am missing my university days. At least we were there, in one place, free to hang out and laugh together and share ice creams and watch movies and stuff. Sometimes we would celebrate birthdays and, just for the heck of it, drive around town even though there was nothing worth seeing.

I miss the philosophical talks. Despite my preference for writing, I find it easier and more fulfilling to converse face to face with people. I get to analyse the tone of the voice, the body language, the speed of response...the kind of things that you don't get just from texting or phone calls or even online chats.

Maybe I'm just not good with people. My colleagues at the ward are just that - colleagues. Our shift ends, we go off in our separate ways, and we won't talk or text much unless it's directly work-related.

So maybe I do enjoy going to work - to some extent.

…So what is it that is holding me back, keeping me away?

5. Am I the only one suffering here?

Would the knowledge change anything between us? What would it take for you to summon the courage and take the plunge?

Am I forever destined to be chasing that which is not meant for me? As well as running away from those that I deem as hazards?

Frustration Knows My Name

This has proven to be too much.

I don't know why I'm so stressed out. Still trying to figure out the answer to that, and yet…in the process I unearth so many possible answers that, in the end, results in more depression and stress.

I'm not even sure if I can do this any longer. The dirty works of clerking cases (Answer my simple questions, don't take me round and round…I've no time and no patience), taking blood, filling up stupid notification forms (damn paperworks, I didn't sign up for secretarial work!), and parents who can't leave us alone (for the last time, stop asking me the things that the nurses are in charge of!), re-inserting branulas in kids who are prone to have them dislodged (it's unwise for me to do it in kids in whom I have had bad history/impression) and for God's sake stop crying already!

Difficult parents are another issue…which probably merit an entry of their own. But honestly, come on…if you want first class treatment, go to private!

There has to be a more efficient way to do things. It feels like we've been doing repetitive work, and it's not like re-writing those damn things actually give us better understanding of the patient. I mean, hello? After three, four patients who presented with the same complaints of fever, cough and runny nose…I've given up hope in trying  to remember! And people at the emergency department, please do us a huge favor and stop admitting cases that need no admissions in the first place! Do you know how much work it costs us, and how many discharge summaries are still pending!? And why must tracing lab results be such a hassle?

In any case…sure, it's easy for patients or their relatives to insist on their rights to be seen as "people with feelings". Shouldn't we, medical practitioners, be viewed the same way, seeing that we're also people with feelings? Or can it be said that just because "it's our job", it automatically negates us of our own rights to be respected and some space to actually get our job done?!

In summary, I'm still hating Paediatrics.

I don't know how much longer I can survive this. I mean, Surgical's going to be worse…and what chance do I have, when I can't even keep up right now?

…Or maybe I just hate the hospital. Yeah.

Current Music: Fix You - Coldplay

Compilations #14

1. My limit, before my dreams all come crumbling down, is 3 to 4 days. Which is bad, since previously it took one week for my optimism to run out and leave me in the lurch.
I've got it bad, indeed.
I despise this feeling of dependence.
Somehow it's unfair if I'm the only one suffering here.
Somehow, I'm surprised that I'm still trying to desperately hang on - but on to what? God's Promises and His Justice?

2. Today, during the ward round...

MO 1: Mycoplasma infection can cause hemolytic anaemia, right?
MO 2: Yes, I think so.
Me: *nodding silently in agreement*
MO 1: Why're you shaking your head?
Me: I'm nodding. Yes, it causes hemolytic anaemia.
MO 1: *to other MOs around* This girl is smart. She knows things that I didn't know during my houseman years. *turns back me* What does parvovirus cause?
Me: *suddenly thinking of Slapped Cheek Disease* You mean the infection?
MO 1: No, what anaemia it causes.
Me: Sickle cell disease.
MO 1: …
Me: Ehh, aplastic anaemia!
MO 1: I only knew that when I became an MO! Are you going into Paediatrics later?
Me: No.
MO 1: Good, don't go into Paeds. You're going to make me look bad.
MO 3: If she enters Paeds, I'll be the first one to be kicked out…

Anyway, parvovirus infection can trigger sickle cell crisis, so I wasn't entirely wrong there...
I still think Paediatrics as meh. And I keep on forgetting to bring earplugs just to protect my ears from the children's screaming during bloodtaking...

3. Sometimes we need to remember to be thankful for the things that we already have, instead of chasing those that may or may not be out of our reach, but not necessarily the best for us. God alone Knows.

Current Music: Namida no Saki ni - Crystal Kay

P/s: Blogging about the above conversation is not meant to be a brag...but perhaps to serve as something to boost my mood up in case it goes back to its gloomy shell. Besides...a part of me thinks it would be bragging if I were to put it on my FB wall...Pfft!