Stuck

1. It is as I feared.

I have always thought that I have a way with words (when I actually bother to), spinning them around to sound as least offensive as possible when the need arises.

But when fear and awkwardness kicked in, any sort of formality is lost and gone is any subtlety that once pervaded my speech.

I fear I may have hurt someone's feelings, and bruised his ego.

But truth remains the truth, however ugly it may be.

But it is better than to be led astray, yes? For the pain will surely grow in proportion later on if the bud is not nipped from the start.

For how I treat you depends on how you treat me in the first place. That's how we all roll, is it not? Blame me if that makes me sound bermuka-muka, but surely you yourself would realise that you would be guilty of the same as well?

But please do not doubt the honesty in my apology.

2. Dreading next week when I enter into my nursery posting. It'll be much busier, so am I actually up for it?

Even my branula insertion skills is not 100% foolproof yet.

Will there be time to take a step back and breathe?

3. I'm such a bad friend, am I not?

Current Music: Glass no Highway - doa

Compilations #15

1. Time, a great agent of Change.

But certain things are difficult to get rid of. My penchant for dramatisation, for instance - perhaps it's just how my humour is, how I roll.

Never listen to me after my night shift but before my morning cup of coffee; Whatever I babble on will either send you into fits of laughter or give you the urge to knock your head (not mine, I hope?) against the nearest wall.

2. I haven't been updating my writing blog much.

Perhaps it's because my focus has been shifted - towards work, and towards certain possibilities that I have long deemed as mere fiction, and yet still cannot help but to feel drawn to.

It's scary, isn't it, how small things can affect things in big, unimaginable ways?

I salute you, but at the same time I lament for my own weakness for being human.

3. Somehow I always manage to get myself stuck in weird and awkward situations. It's like I'm a natural magnet for this sort of thing.

The uncertainty thrills me for a short while, then it comes and knocks me down to my knees, and kills whatever light of hope I once had.

...I wonder how long will I be able to take this rigmarole before it completely exhausts me.

Current Music: Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera

In Which There are Too Many Maybe's

1. I haven't been well lately.

It has been one week of strenuous coughing & feverish episodes, I'm suspecting that I might be having pertussis. Last night I probably spent close to three hours coughing - dry, irritating cough - that I lost sleep. Today I was more on autopilot mode, and yet still managed to do my morning rounds. Luckily my MO was nice that she said she'd just read my notes rather than let me do the talking…

Still unwilling to take any cough syrup. Never been a fan of them since the start, to be honest. Already on the antibiotic azithromycin, only because the pharmacy is out of Augmentin and one MO said the bugs in my current paeds ward can only be killed by either Augmentin or azithromycin…

Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's all the germs that the patients brought with them to the ward. Or maybe it's something more…

2. I'm probably destined to be an outsider.

Maybe I'm not a good friend after all. I can't seem to make the sacrifices to actually hang out with them, mainly because of my busy schedule and hectic life and, most of all, the distance.

Maybe my introspectiveness and weak stamina should be blamed as well. Or maybe I'm just not caring or selfless enough…

3. It's tiring for me to follow others' paces all the time. But it's even more hurtful when my timing is off and I get a forced response.

Sometimes I think it's just not fair.

4. I miss having people to chat with.

So yeah, I am missing my university days. At least we were there, in one place, free to hang out and laugh together and share ice creams and watch movies and stuff. Sometimes we would celebrate birthdays and, just for the heck of it, drive around town even though there was nothing worth seeing.

I miss the philosophical talks. Despite my preference for writing, I find it easier and more fulfilling to converse face to face with people. I get to analyse the tone of the voice, the body language, the speed of response...the kind of things that you don't get just from texting or phone calls or even online chats.

Maybe I'm just not good with people. My colleagues at the ward are just that - colleagues. Our shift ends, we go off in our separate ways, and we won't talk or text much unless it's directly work-related.

So maybe I do enjoy going to work - to some extent.

…So what is it that is holding me back, keeping me away?

5. Am I the only one suffering here?

Would the knowledge change anything between us? What would it take for you to summon the courage and take the plunge?

Am I forever destined to be chasing that which is not meant for me? As well as running away from those that I deem as hazards?