borderline

For at least a week, my mind was off the current problem troubling me in this period of time. I mean, being at home, away from _the_ place and _the_ ambience, entwined in WWW, downloading like there's no tomorrow, having my own bed, having Shuuhei-kun, no lectures...some would say it's a medical student's heaven.
But with the faintest flicker of remembrance of _the_ problem, all the joy started melting away.
I get palpitations. Like, something is telling me that the future doesn't bode well for me.
It's not the type of problem that would just go away when one ignores it. Alas, even if it ain't that bad, I doubt I could pull through.
It won't do if I'm the only one who's seeking to find the way to solve this. Or, worse, if I'm the one who initiated it but...everything crumbles down, and back to how they were before.
It's a reflection of my inner insecurities.
That's why I prefer getting depressed most of the time. Even with any sudden jolt of change that, in turn, provokes some emotional change, the surge of feelings won't be too...overwhelming to handle.
I criticise myself too hard. That's all that I'm able to do. Somebody has to keep me in check with reality. Somebody has to motivate me when I'm more down than usual.
Because nobody else would take up that responsibility, I've to fend for myself. Unfortunately, the negative force works in a form of positive reinforcement - no matter how despicable the means, because the end result is what I seek for from the start, the 'means' is brought forward to be re-employed in the next scene.
...I can't take this.
Likewise, the most drastic solution...is bad news.
What saddens me more is that I'd never thought it would be like this ages ago.
What set me ill at ease is that I blinded myself with fantasies...
I'm disgusted with my own pathetic thinking and state.
I don't know what to do anymore.
It feels like my heart is getting heavier...

Current Music: eX Dream - Myuji