Lost

This world is becoming uglier by the minute. Thieves, hypocrites and selfish people roam free, preying on the little people. It is scary.

 I swear to God I'll never forget the thief who stole my precious iPad. I pray that a miserable death awaits this perpetrator.  

Current Music: Maps - Maroon Five

Intermission #53

Lately I have become foreign to myself.

I have developed this fear of writing - my quiet blog and my avoidance of my tumblr are testaments to this fact. Perhaps it stems from my fear that all this suppression would eventually be in vain once I allow even a hint of this unpleasant feeling out.

Not to say that I am not grateful. I am, but...somehow I know there is still room for improvement in the hospital management and policies.

And I do know that this place is, as far as work experience is concerned, better than my old place.

Even though I do find myself missing the friends I have made in the past. This...despite knowing that I'm horrible at keeping in contact, no matter how I try.

And I still kick myself mentally for putting myself so low, for settling when I know that I deserve so much better, and that it actually was somewhat doomed from the start.

You can't win them all.

You can only make the best out of it.

Things happen, life goes on.

Current Music: Wake Me Up - Avicii

Solus

Solus (L.) - Solo

Real life isn't like the movies. So when life's tragedy cuts you, the pain is very much real. And, being human, you bleed.

But you will heal, eventually, somehow. They say time is the greatest physician.

So in the meantime...grow up, soldier on.

All is not lost. There is still much to do.

Current Music: Don't Worry, Be Happy - Guy Sebastian
 

Intermission #52

On break.

But something else within me is already broken - my hopes, my motivation.

I frankly don't know what to think anymore, because almost all that I have believed in comes back to bite me.

Is it any wonder that I've developed some sort of phobia to have even a small fragment of hope, somewhere in my future?

Pardon me, God, for my forlorness.

Current Music: If You Could See Me Now - The Script

Farewell

Thank you for the heartbreak. Indeed there is nothing left for me here.

To have been unfairly judged, harshly mistreated, taken for granted...what better relief than to be granted escape from this hellhole?

What has the world come to, pray enlighten me?

Or is it my own fault for allowing myself to be like a doormat?

All in Due Time

And so I completed my last shift as a lowly HO last night. Wasn't exactly a shift to be proud of - my health has not been tip-top lately to be honest - but at least it's over.

So rightfully I'll be an MO in less than a week's time. Excited? Sort of. Anxious, jittery? Definitely.

Not to mention that the department where I'll be floating in has been showing its ugly side lately. Is it my fault that I'm somewhat eager to just leave and start afresh in new territories (wherever it may be, but hopefully closer to home?).

So now all I can do is wait. Wait and pray for the best.

There's a saying I found online: Waiting patiently is easier than regretting tremendously.

Applies to most of life's situations, don't you think? Because jumping headlong into ugly situations, no thanks to one's emotions, is likely to cause more damage...which may end up becoming irreversible.

So as the Quran reminds all of us - be patient, ask Allah for His Forgiveness, and pray hard.

Current Music: Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

Intermission #51

A couple of self-reminders:

"No calamity befalls the earth or your own selves, but it is (pre-destined) in a Book before We bring it into being. Indeed it is easy for Allah.

"So that you may neither grieve on what has escaped you, nor over-exult on what He has given to you. And Allah does not love any self-admirer, over-proud" (Al-Hadid, 22-23)

Forgive me, dear God, for I am but human, who errs only too easily.

Intermission #50

And so I am down to - hopefully - my last week of working as a lowly labourer HO in this forsaken hospital.

Excited? Oh yes, so much. Anxious? Definitely.

And as for my transfer - it is still hanging in the air, uncertain. But I have hopes.

As for my current status, while it may be considered as uncertain, the best we could do is to put effort into it. It won't be easy, as many around me has cautioned me against it...but deep down, I know that it's best for me to leave before I turn...malignant.

And so...I resume my wait. Hopeful, but ever so caution, with prayers to The Almighty.

Current Music: Set Fire to the Rain - Adele

Peri-MO-ship

At least one thing is becoming clearer to me: which department am I entering as a fresh MO.

Anaesthesia.

I suppose the reaction most people would get after his/her first choice is granted would be one of elation. As for me?

It was more of a shock.

Perhaps I still am in that state.

Am I ecstatic? More like relieved, sort of.

Am I sad? Sort of, since it means one helluva tag for 1 month straight. Goodbye any plan for a much needed post-HO-ship vacation.

Not to say that I'm not thankful to God.

And yet...reactions from those closest to me have been lacklustre at best.

Also, I have another painful decisions to make.

Yes, it hurts so bad.

I have a knack to spin things out of proportion just to stress myself out, do I not?

Current Music: Not to Love You - Ryan Tedder

Intermission #49

How do you, pray enlighten me, make the most out of something when you don't have much to work with from the start?

I have been accused of being judgmental, but I know not its difference from drawing an inference as a guide to deal with people.

Environment shapes people, and there is no way am I staying put when all I have around me is un-professionalism.

Intermission #48

Maybe I should just leave.

Caught in an uncivilised working place that really should have been shut down or upgraded ages ago.

Caught in a bond that is just as uncertain as ever, despite how people may say otherwise.

But they say never make any decision when all you see is red.

So what do you when you're seeing darkness in your future?

Ideally speaking, we should turn to Him. But I seem to have lost my speech to pray.

But that's okay, right? He, the Omniscient, will still Understand these tears.

Intermission #47

1. It's like everything is telling me to leave this damned hospital.

Never mind that I might not be adequately equipped in terms of knowledge, skills or clinical judgment. Never mind that I'm leaving friends behind. Never mind that I'm stepping into unfamiliar grounds.

I just feel in my heart - with great conviction! - that this is not a place for me. I can't, for the life of me, see myself developing properly if I remain in this backwater place.

It's like all departments are hostile towards each other. There is no respect, no trust.

Let's not even get me started on how ancient the infrastructure, the facilities are.

And the mindset. Oh, God, let's not even go there!

Dear God, save me, for I am powerless to save myself.

2. Now that the elections are over, can we just move on?

So BN retains the government seat. Did they really cheat? Only God Knows. But they can't afford to be complacent anymore.

All I know is, I'm sick of racial politics, regardless of which side incited it. I'm sick of opening my FB newsfeed and seeing hate and accusations, back to back.

Everybody needs "UBAH". And I mean it as change for the better, no matter what your political ideologies or worldview.

...I don't know what to believe in anymore. It's easier to give up than to constantly seek for the truth, in today's graying world, where authenticity is difficult to ascertain, despite the many sources of information available at our disposal. Such irony!

How do you seek the truth when there is slander all around, when people deal in lies, and people act more emotionally than rationally?

Is ignorance bliss? I'm starting to think so.

So please, let's just put all this conflict aside. Stop acting childish. Man up and stop being such a sore loser. Remember that the helm of governance is actually an amanah, and God will question you in the Afterlife.

...And for God's sake, clean up all the flags and banners. They're an eyesore already!

Current Music: Taking Over Me - Lawson

Sixth!

Done with O&G, finally. Thank God. Sick of everything there already.

And...as for Anaes, surprisingly, I'm not enjoying it as much as I hoped.

Frankly, I'm scared. Very, very scared.

Current Music: Let Me Love You - Ne-Yo

Madhouse

Despite our small number, the higher ups still make unreasonable demands.

It's as if they don't care. As if they're ignorant as to how we're also struggling to perform our most basic of duties, and yet they continue to pester us by making things more complicated, more convoluted than necessary.

It's bloody stupid.

Just leave us alone, damnit.

No matter how I try to push myself to go beyond my limits, there are always obstacles.

Is it fair that we the innocents must pay for the follies of the idiots in the management department, and the selfishness of those who only seek to save their own sorry a**es?

The answer came to me on a fellow friend's facebook entry on my newsfeed:

"Nasib baik ada Akhirat"

Because He is the Most Just of Judges.

...and at times I figured it's selfish to ask for life to be a breeze all the way. Because life's not a bed of roses. Especially when you realise that you have pricks in power.

Current Music: Love Story meets Viva la Vida - The Piano Guys

Going Down

"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful" ~ Sigmund Freud

1. If you will pardon the words that will follow - the hospital is going to the dogs.

Maybe that's why my current MO & specialist are trying to seduce me into O&G. Not because I'm capable or knowledgeable or anything, but because the department is losing people and they're trying to maintain the number.

Stupid policies are stupid. They're treating us like kids.

It feels especially insulting when you know you've been doing your best all this while, and yet...and yet you can't change people's perception, opinion, biases for the better.

But one may argue: screw what people say. You're not supposed to let them bother you so much, especially when you know that they themselves sometimes don't know any better. Give them some benefit of the doubt, or something.

But you're supposed to be doing all this, working, struggling in God's Cause, yes?

Ideally speaking, yes.

2. Resentment is easy. Easier than trying to find the obscure, almost nonexistent positive aspects of things.

It's easier, but it's just not right.

3. So if anyone's still interested to know, yes, most likely I'll be applying to return to Selangor once I'm done with housemanship.

Am I even worthy of wondering if there will be one who will try to change my mind?

Current Music: La La - The Cab

Intermission #46

1. In almost every situation, there is a high chance that there will be one mood-maker; One whose mere presence gives what kind of atmosphere the rest of us will be in.

Generally in the ward, this role is filled in by the specialist. If s/he is irritable or just being a pain, then chances are the rest of the day is screwed.

Actually it doesn't really matter which department you're in, but here in O&G and Surgical, you can practically feel the tension growing in the air; so thick that you might need a chainsaw to cut it.

The point is, don't abuse your power. This includes the tendency to inflict some indirect psychological insult.

2. Yesterday at work, while my specialist was deep in thoughts thinking on what to do about a suspicious CTG tracing for one of the patients who was in labour, I was in my usual pose - right hand poised with my trusty pen in position, ready to jot down whatever he might have to say. Then he glanced at me, and just gave me an amused smile. He commented how us HO's are always writing down stuff.

I blinked cluelessly, stared once at my pen, recapped it and chucked it into my pocket.

"Ah, that's better," said he.

I gave a measly smile, and stared at my half-written entry.

Then he ambled next to me, whispering, "You know, house officers are not clerks. You're a doctor. Aku dulu pun tak suka clerking, tulis-tulis..."

And, surprising even myself, I blurted out, "Yes, actually I'm confused too."

He chuckled silently. "Don't be."

When he already left me, I just stared at the still unfinished entry.

Yes, I think I'm very much confused about my job description.

I think I'm so used to being a mak turut, merely following orders and running here and there, that I can't even develop my own thinking skills; instead finding myself being so scared of questioning authority blatantly, even when I know they're being unreasonable.

3. I kind of envy how some people are not afraid of speaking out when they see injustice. Maybe they have this air around them - what they say comes out as a constructive criticism, a mature observation of human fallacies.

And me? Maybe people just perceive my words, my opinions as childish complaints, nothing more.

4. I'm very tempted to leave this hospital once my time for MO-ship comes. Especially when the lab is being an absolute pain in the arse, because there's no way I can bear taking up Pathology - if the chance ever presents itself - when I absolutely resent their policies.

Current Music: Angel with A Shotgun - The Cab

P/s: I'm getting really lazy with titles, am I not? Pfft!

Intermission #45

Have you ever feel so small, so insignificant?

Have you ever felt so hurt that it feels like someone just tore your chest wide open and ripped your heart out of the praecordium, and then shred it to pieces?

Have you ever felt so betrayed by the ones you love and even by yourself?

Have you ever had so many back-to-back episodes of self-reprisals, like a barrage of machine guns taking shots at you?

And all these pain can't be drowned, can't be deleted, can't be ignored or denied.

Why do I do this to myself?

And so it goes on - this fear of attachment. Of getting hurt.

Obligatory New Year Post(?)

It's just another, run-of-the-mill day, to survive.

It just goes to show that while we are definitely growing older, to say that we are growing in wisdom and maturity is still up to interpretation.

Most things change, whether we like them to or not. And as for those that remain the same...well, they are too deeply ingrained that I wonder if there is ever hope for any improvement.

Just another one question out of many that I doubt I will ever find the answer to.

Current Music: 50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train

Intermission #44

I'm honestly getting too old for all this. Everything.

Too impatient with the wait. Too temperamental to tolerate the many quirks of people at work. Too lazy to just do it.

And way too attached to risk the loss.

Current Music: 50 Ways to Say Goodbye - Train

Calm Before the Storm

Time-out.

A short break.

Pulling the brakes before heading - headfirst - into a new posting. Fifth posting. Obs & Gynae. This Sunday.

I am overwhelmed, though not in a positive sense of the word.

God, how I wish I have long finished this phase of working. I'm sick of working in an ancient hellhole with idiots running, administrating the place.

Too bloody long.

Would I say I am a more knowledgeable person now than, say, the fresh medical graduate of yore?

Hardly.

And here I am, wondering how on earth is it possible that I can think of everything and nothing, all at the same darn time.

Current Music: I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift