Then and Now

Ramadhan's over. Then the regret for not making good of use of it comes and haunt me like it's never going to leave me alone...
But that's not the main reason I'm here, again.

In all frankness, I am simply not in the mood to celebrate 'Eid tomorrow, nor am I looking forward to being dragged around...
It's just my mood, so if I know what's good for me, all the negative vibes should disappear by dawn.

At times, I just want to shrink myself in one corner and think about things - things that should not be giving me palpitations or guilt or headaches or chest pain.
But when those things do come and flood my thoughts, I'm forced to seek solitude.
God, this makes me sound like a dysfunctional loner...

I need some time to straighten out my train of thoughts. And 'Eid is not giving me that.

Then again, maybe all I need is some sleep...

Current Music: Itsuka no Merry Christmas (Remix) - B'z

P/s: How wrong is that? A Christmas song amidst 'Eid (again, since I did the same during the last 'Eid...)? Would you believe me if I say that I'm allergic to Raya songs?

Mind Games

Raya break is on, and I'm still me. Makes me wonder if I've actually improved with each passing year, each passing moment...
Maybe not. Am I actually trying? Saa...
As to what I have been up to these days...not much, definitely. Other than my constant wrestle with my inner conflict of interest, there's nothing much to say or relate to.

Truth be told, I don't really like to blog. Well, not blogging per se...but rather, it's the prospect of people reading this blog actually being granted access to my thoughts and feelings. It's like trumpeting my own displeasure out loud for the whole wide world, yes? I like talking, but at the same time, I hate subjecting people to be my listeners...
...Like I said earlier, it's an inner conflict of interest, because I might be exaggerating things on my own.
So I still suffer, either way. The solution is stop thinking too much because it's all in my head, and they're not necessarily true. Reining my hyperactive imagination would still require tremendous amount of energy.
It'd be great if my mind is more organised. Like a computer, maybe? With an icon that says "Recycle Bin" for me to dump useless thoughts and memories, and with another option to delete those that won't be missed or those just occupying precious space. That way I won't be too tied down by the past...so that I can work hard in the present and look forward to a better future.
If only I could let go of things that should be ignored and extinguished.
In a way I'm allowing myself to be pushed around by the darker side of me. Sure, I know my priorities and stuff, but at times it's only too easy to be pushed away from my goal, taken astray.

I had an interesting conversation with a patient once. She's younger than I am, but comparing her current age to how I was when I was 16, she might have been more mature than I was (am?).
She remarked that she had a feeling that while in terms of abilities I'm quite capable, but I still have yet to find something in my life - something that I find worth aiming and working hard for. Kinda like my own rambling on and on about "searching for the true meaning of life"...
She went on to say that probably I've been too focused with my studies...and advised that I go and meet up to get to know other people, and how it's a refreshing change to hang out with other kinds of people.
She also added that I need not to worry about finding 'the One' or not being adequately sufficient for that purpose, because he will come. This issue deserves no further elaboration, period.
Oh, and her advice to smile more. To which I argued saying that smiling is tiring...
...Which is true. It takes a great effort to smile to people when you don't feel like smiling to yourself, seeing how your current agenda is. Especially if it involves patients - who obviously would like to be greeted with a kind smile rather than a cold grunt - and your other friends.
Her solution: Don't think too much.
I'm trying to do the same. But sometimes it's nice to have people telling you straight on what you should be doing...
Whatever it is, I still have exams to sit for in three weeks' time. And tomorrow's 'Eid.
...I need to take it easy. I don't want to die of cardiac failure either.

Current Music: Namida no Saki ni - Crystal Kay

Hitobito

What did I tell you about misusing this Wifi? But that's beside the point here...
Have been having headache, chest pain and abdominal discomfort for some time now. Of course, diagnosing all those condition as purely psychogenic in nature - plus my tendency to _not_ eat - the most logical way to go about it would be to just...ignore them.
Rather than fussing about how things ought to be, it's best if we try to seize control and try to shape it to our liking. In other words, if you don't like how things are going, it's best to attempt to change it the way it should be.
...So?
I don't know.
Maybe I should try not to think too much of and for other people. It has something to do one's intention, definitely. People move on, and you do too...if God Wills it, soon there will be parting of ways. What is the use of investing too much in one who's most likely to leave your side?
That's why we shouldn't fret too much about the present. For all you know, it won't affect your future much.
Too much pessimism, but hey, I'm being realistic. My reality has always been like this.
...Maybe my mind is the one that hasn't grown up, despite my age.