Breaking Point

I can feel it. Something breaking in me - whether it is the last bit of my patience, my humanity, or my sanity, I have no idea.

Dear God, I'm surrounded by laziness and incompetence and inefficiency and utter nonsense. Not to say that I'm the best and the most capable person in the ward (or the department, but whatever), but at least I take my job seriously and think of people!

I can't function like this.

So much hate. So much despair...so much regret.

The only thing heavier than my footsteps to work, is the despair burdening my bosom.

Fortunately enough, rare though as they may be, there are those occasions that I could share some laughter, a jovial chat and the promise of some gastronomic indulgence. Though I do wish, every so often, for this distance from home to just disappear, because there are times that one just need the friendly reassurance that it's not just one person - you - against this mad, mad world.

Not forgetting, a certain smile that could light up my dark and grievous world, an infectious laughter, and a bundle of memories that could bring this...pleasant sense of gastritis (that possibly no proton pump inhibitor could ever resolve).

And this prayer that I extend to Him the Almighty.

They are the small beacon of hope - possible the only factors that still enables me to go on...but how further and how long more?

Current Music: Domino - Jessie J.

P/s: Karniza, dude, you are right...It seems like lately all I am capable of putting down into words is depressing. Shall I refer myself to a psychiatrist?

Compilations #18

1. I'm just so tired of everything.

Being constantly thrown into different wards just after I'm well adapting to one is starting to take its toll. And while the female ward can be relatively more peaceful than the male ward, in terms of drama it is anything but peaceful.

If I could just throw throw my hands up in frustration and just walk off to leave all this madness behind, I would. Because I can't take all this stupidity anymore. The hierarchy is too much. Certain people are just not professional enough. People are becoming more and more selfish. Patients demand too much, way beyond what we can provide. Oh, heck, the hospital's in a damned poverty, and the ECG machines should just burn in hell. Haemato lab people - some of them - are lazy (Pick up the phone, morons!) and so darned annoyingly rude.

Even my best is not good enough, my patience has seen better days, and nowadays all I want to do is to just lock myself away and cry myself to sleep.

At one point it feels like everything else is hopeless, and I can only depend on myself. But it just exhausts me entirely.

Lamenting to people is no good, but even complaining to God doesn't seem to bring much relief.

What do I do then?

Years from now, would I be able to look back at this moment in time and say that "Yes, I survived this hellhole, and I'm a better person because of it"?

2. I may not have good understanding of people as I thought.

That would explain why I can be so socially awkward at times. Why my social life is nonexistent. Why I am just so bad in maintaining friendships. Why I have very few friends that I feel like I can share my problems with without feeling so bad for burdening them.

...And why I'll most likely be forever alone.

...Damn, I feel more tears coming.

I need a break from all this...desperately.

Current Music: Need You - Travie McCoy

Clash of Postulations

The world today is not the same as before. Different generations act and respond differently.

I don't know if my realistic (read: pessimistic) standpoint is to blame, but I seem to think that things are more complicated than they appear to be. As in, there are aspects that are just beyond our control, that the outcome is not as simple as either A or B. My parents, on the other hand, equipped with their own life experiences, tend to think that their views are right - or, more right than mine, whatever that is supposed to mean.

Yes, occasionally there will be debates in the house. In a way I do appreciate the fact that they let me voice out what I think (despite my feeble hopes of emerging as the champion, pfft!), rather than telling me to just shut my mouth and nod reluctantly to whatever they were saying.

They make the wrong comparisons.

I tend to get emotional because they don't seem to see the reason behind my arguments.

They say that all that I have come to know - and adore - will bring me nowhere but towards a disastrous end.

I say that time is not my side - yet. Is it not the Holy Quran that said that man is ever hasty? ["Dan memang manusia bersifat tergesa-gesa" (17:11)]

At the end of the day their skepticism placed me in doubt...and I get bitter all over again.

Bitter and grieved.


Current Music: Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - Kelly Clarkson