Aftermath

So we had our first mini test two weeks ago. It was a horrible, horrible one hour of my life.

Maybe I didn't study enough. Maybe I studied too much (in one way exhausting myself before the real deal). Maybe I took it for granted (I mean, hey, our ninth mini test. One is bound to get desensitized to the horror of mini tests sooner or later...).

The lecturers are now questioning us: Was the paper _that_ difficult?

One lecturer even expressed that he was upset with us within five minutes of entering the lecture hall.

This goes to show that the number of failed candidates must be, in one word, overwhelming. History repeats itself (I heard that the same thing happened to the previous batch, ie our immediate seniors). I guess they did a second round of markings, etc etc to verify the the meagre assumption that something must be wrong.

Obviously it points directly to us. Or the paper, if you happen to be one stubborn student who refuses to admit his/her mistake.

The paper was tough. Either that, or I really, really was not myself. I mean, that one hour was awfully fast - I barely had enough time to think things over.

I studied, and I'm sure others did to (albeit with various enthusiasm and efficacy) but the paper was a shock to us. Plenty of clinical questions (which are actually quite okay once you're given ample time to reflect) and most questions fell in the gray area.

As I like to say, the world is neither black nor white. It's gray.

But mini tests only recognise three answers: True, False, or Blank (otherwise dubbed as "I don't know or not sure and am too cowardly to even hazard a guess lest it deducts a true answer - that is, assuming that I have one in the first place - so I'll just leave the question unanswered and my question paper white").

In mini tests, it's not just about answering the paper. It's about calculating risks (if you're a risk taker, or simply, if you've no choice at all for the reason that any answers that you are confident with may not be enough to earn you a "Pass" status). It's also about budgeting. It's also about time-planning.

Sadly, I failed in all aspects.

Honestly, I enjoyed this block. Physio, haemato - and heck, maybe a lil bit of anatomy... - were all enjoyable (but still, tiring! They should do something about the distance between college and lecture halls). The clinical elements were rewarding; they give you a sense of 'satiety', making you realise that you are actually learning for something more, something higher than mere mini tests or end block exams or maybe even first professional exam. This block is a nice change from the previous one, in which we were bombarded with anatomy (LOTS of anatomy...), epidemiology, public health, biostats, etc.

So I wasn't too depressed when I performed moderately (read: miserably, by my standards) in Y1B4.

Back to the current dilemma.

One can hardly imagine how tremendous this failure could be. I mean, the way lecturers were lamenting, it must mean something that is on a grand scale that even if all of us were to then get credited with distinctions at the end of the block, we would not be able to compensate for this dark episode in our life as medical students?

Some say the results would be out tomorrow. I don't feel like checking. Ignorance is bliss, is it not?

But I am ready to kick aside my record of "Zero-fails in Mini Tests"...if it promises a brighter future ahead.

But we're supposed to work to make our future brighter.

At the rate I'm going right now, I can't even see where I'm heading to. So far I could only remember exams, lectures, tests, and more lectures. It doesn't feel like I could apply what I've learnt thus far to make it as a career once I graduate.

Who to blame? I'm sure I'm not the only one deserving a wallop for this.

This week feels long. Classes are full. I want to go home so badly.

I need fresher air to clear my mind and my head.

And some more Japanese songs to boost up. For now, I'll just go and grab something that could remotely constitute as dinner.

Fansubbers vs Pro (?) Subtitlers

And such, ladies and gentlemen, is people.
The local tv network started airing Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu (which, henceforth, shall be abbreviated to SHnY for one very simple reason - I'm too lazy to type...) tonight, in the non-chronological order. I pity those who might find it hard to grasp, but saa...that's life for you anyhow.
Although the tv people retained the series in its original language (yay, no dubbers for this one! I'm getting bored figuring out who's who...it's no fun, unlike in the case of Japanese seiyuu...), the subtitles still present a big problem.
Fansubs are, without a doubt, more dedicated in the cause compared to the people who work as 'subtitlers' by a long shot, hands down. The former beat the latter in three categories:
1) Timing: Yup. Higher accuracy. You know how sometimes the dialogue overlap? Fansubs have enough common sense and generosity to include both (or more!). Simply superb (what else can I say?).
2) Detail: Sometimes a series introduces certain terms integral to the plot, and to make the viewer more acquainted with the world in the series. We don't see that plus-point with our local subtitles. Amazingly meticulous (and generous, too).
3) Creativity: Nice fonts and colours (which is sometimes used to distinguish the speakers, particularly when there's dialogue overlap). Aesthetics count.
What's interesting about fansubbers being superior to subbers...is that the former don't really get paid (or do they?). They know about the series in and out (or, at least, almost), and they utilise their knowledge and sacrifice their time so that other fans can benefit from their hard work.
Without money coming in.
But the pro-subs (...I'm starting to think the term is inaaccurate...) are paid. They get to put their names at the end of the series.
Still, fansubbers are better.
Which goes to show that passion and interest do play a humongous part in determining the outcome, and not just money.
Saa, quoting one of our respected lecturers in my Uni..."Remember to have fun!"

Current Music: Mosaic Kakera - SunSet Swish

P/s: The PV for this song is pretty good. Not top notch, but nice. How the vocalist walks on while the buildings and other stuff organise into their forms in the background...Tho personally I must admit I was surprised to see how the vocalist looks like. His voice gave me the wrong idea on how he could have looked like...
Anyhow, it's the 2nd ED of Code Geass (which, although I can safely say I've all of the episodes so far, I've yet to _really_ immerse myself in the story), and perhaps, in my opinion, the best song for the series, collectively.

borderline

For at least a week, my mind was off the current problem troubling me in this period of time. I mean, being at home, away from _the_ place and _the_ ambience, entwined in WWW, downloading like there's no tomorrow, having my own bed, having Shuuhei-kun, no lectures...some would say it's a medical student's heaven.
But with the faintest flicker of remembrance of _the_ problem, all the joy started melting away.
I get palpitations. Like, something is telling me that the future doesn't bode well for me.
It's not the type of problem that would just go away when one ignores it. Alas, even if it ain't that bad, I doubt I could pull through.
It won't do if I'm the only one who's seeking to find the way to solve this. Or, worse, if I'm the one who initiated it but...everything crumbles down, and back to how they were before.
It's a reflection of my inner insecurities.
That's why I prefer getting depressed most of the time. Even with any sudden jolt of change that, in turn, provokes some emotional change, the surge of feelings won't be too...overwhelming to handle.
I criticise myself too hard. That's all that I'm able to do. Somebody has to keep me in check with reality. Somebody has to motivate me when I'm more down than usual.
Because nobody else would take up that responsibility, I've to fend for myself. Unfortunately, the negative force works in a form of positive reinforcement - no matter how despicable the means, because the end result is what I seek for from the start, the 'means' is brought forward to be re-employed in the next scene.
...I can't take this.
Likewise, the most drastic solution...is bad news.
What saddens me more is that I'd never thought it would be like this ages ago.
What set me ill at ease is that I blinded myself with fantasies...
I'm disgusted with my own pathetic thinking and state.
I don't know what to do anymore.
It feels like my heart is getting heavier...

Current Music: eX Dream - Myuji